Jamin and I were married in August of 2014. We originally said
that we would start trying between 3-5 years. A year into our marriage, we
decided to come off of birth control, and whatever happened, happened. 6 months
into our "not intentionally trying" journey, I began to question why
I was not getting pregnant. I mean, we weren't trying, so why was I concerned.
Even still, I began to think something was wrong with me. Fear, doubt, and
worry began to creep in. What if something could be wrong? This was the
beginning of a long journey.
Over the next 6 months, I began
to intentionally track EVERYTHING. Boy, that was stressful. Jamin was still
relax, and not concerned. He kept reminding me that "we were not
trying." My response was, "we also aren't trying to prevent it, and
nothing is happening". I want to preface these next few statements by
saying, I am committed to being transparent throughout this blog. I will not
mention peoples names to protect them, and I will not give extreme details to
protect us and out marriage, but I do want to be real with you. That is why
your reading this.
I soon would find out that 6 of
my closest friends were pregnant. Jamin was not on board with us trying,
and the months ahead would be some of the darkest in my lifetime. When we
received the first phone call from my best friend, I was ok! I was
excited for them, but I wanted that for us. I later stood in our
church where I would learn that another one of my friends was pregnant
after 4.5 years of trying. This one hit me. I experienced fear
and hope all at the same time. I was so excited for them, but what if it
took us that long. There was no way that I could wait that long to hold
our baby in our hands. Shortly after, I would discover yet another friend
was pregnant. I am not even sure I looked at her. I was numb. It was
happening. This was the beginning of my anger with God. In small
group shortly after learning of this news, more of our friends
announced that they were having a baby. I remember going to bed that night
sobbing. I then received a phone call from GA from a friend who I had just
stood by her side at her wedding to inform me that they were pregnant. The
phone got quiet. I didn't know what to say. My emotions were fighting
against themselves. I knew in my head I was "suppose" to be excited
for her. Walking down the street to my car, I continued to ask
why. Why was this happening to us. It just was not fair. A month or so
later, the last of the 6 walked up to me in church, and shared that she had
something to tell me. I looked at her and said, "Your pregnant."
For the next 6
months, people walked on egg shells around me not knowing what to say.
People would look at me with pity, and some people seemed not to care what
I was going through. Throughout this time, I attended 6 of the 7 baby
showers. I sat there miserable. It had absolutely nothing to do with them.
Every gift that was picked out, I would imagine buying it for me own.
I sat and listened to the complaints of being in pain, miserable, out of
breath, swollen, sick, the list goes on, dreaming of being miserable
if that meant I would be carrying our child. I painfully listened to the
"I'm pregnant" excuse. I listened to the miserable delivery
stories. I listened to the frustrating talks of the sleepless nights, countless
diaper changer, extended recoveries all while wanting to switch places
with them.
No one should feel
guilty from being able to conceive. I do believe that you should be
mindful of the people around you that are suffering and dreaming of your
"announced problem." The months continued to pass. People given
us countless advice, tips, and so called tricks to try. Believe me,
we have tried them all. A year and a half in, I prayed that the Lord
would take this from me. I was not strong enough to carry this on my own. I
prayed that he would give Jamin a heart of understanding and compassion to walk
with me through this time. I prayed that God would give me blinders when I
needed them, but that he would teach me things when I needed to learn
as well. Even through given this over to the Lord, I still struggle
with picking the burden up daily. Countless nights in the bed crying.
Countless anger sessions. Countless feelings of NUMBNESS. We are
believers, so we know that God has a perfect will for our life, but there
is also a reality that God has given me the desire to be a mom. This
is a desire I want more than MOST things in life. Over the next few months
we would continue to grow not only individually, but as a married couple.
Thank you for your prayers and
thoughts. Continue to pray for our family as we walk through this valley
together. I will continue to share our journey along the way, hoping to love
and impact the lives of other couples walking through this very storm.
